He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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