If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
