I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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