saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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