I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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