I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
