This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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