he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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