why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
that's an acceptable place to lick
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
