Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
