eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So many bounce houses so little time
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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