Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
