Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
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I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
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you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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