Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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