The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
