Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
