Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
