I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
