His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
