I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
