Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
