no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
