What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
