I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
