youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
