Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Randomize
