Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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