Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
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So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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