Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
