I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Randomize
