I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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