Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
