I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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