last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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