he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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