Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
