I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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