life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I think your dad took our porno
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
