dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
