I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
