I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
