Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
