Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I would fuck him just for his dog
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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