this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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