That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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