i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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