my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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