I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
