He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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