Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
