im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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