that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
