proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Is Oprah even human
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
