Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
