I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
