you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
