MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
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Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
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I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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