I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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